Leaving an Unsafe Home

What Counts as Abuse

Abuse is not only physical violence. The following are all forms of abuse:

• Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, or any unwanted physical contact intended to hurt, intimidate, or control
• Emotional and psychological abuse: name-calling, humiliation, threats, gaslighting, constant criticism, or behavior designed to make you doubt your own perception
• Controlling behavior: monitoring your location, controlling who you see or talk to, telling you what to wear or eat, or otherwise isolating you from people or resources
• Financial abuse: preventing you from working, taking your money, running up debt in your name, or withholding money as a form of control
• Sexual coercion: pressuring, manipulating, or forcing any sexual activity without genuine consent, including in a relationship or marriage
• Digital abuse: monitoring your phone, reading your messages, tracking your location through apps, or using technology to control or harass you

Abuse often escalates slowly. If you are unsure whether your situation qualifies, the hotline at 1-800-799-7233 can talk through your situation with you without pressure or judgment.

If You Are in Immediate Danger

If you are being harmed right now, call 911. If you cannot call safely, you can text 911 in most areas.

If you need to leave quickly and do not have a plan:

• Get out. Bring your phone, ID, and any medications if you can grab them, but do not delay leaving for belongings.
• Go to a neighbor, a public place, a hospital, or a police station if you need immediate safety.
• Call 211 or the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) from a safe location and ask about emergency shelter.

Emergency rooms are also required to connect you with a social worker and safety resources. You do not need a visible injury to go.

Safety Planning

A safety plan is a set of decisions you make in advance, so that if you decide to leave or are forced to leave quickly, you already know what to do. Having a plan does not mean you are required to use it. It means you are prepared.

Key elements of a safety plan:

• Where you will go: A friend's home, a family member's, a shelter, or a hotel. Identify this in advance and, if possible, tell someone you trust.
• What you will take: See the section below on documents and items to gather before you go.
• How you will communicate: Know which phone you will use and which accounts may be monitored. If your phone is on a shared plan, the account holder can see your calls and texts.
• Signals and code words: If you have children or people you want to alert without the abuser knowing, agree on a word or signal that means "call for help" or "I need to go."
• Important contacts: Write down key phone numbers somewhere the abuser cannot access: a trusted friend, the hotline, a shelter, and your local legal aid office.

The National DV Hotline can walk you through a personalized safety plan at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.

What to Take When You Leave

If you have time to prepare before leaving, gather as many of the following as possible and keep them in one place where you can access them quickly. A bag at a trusted person's home works well.

• Government-issued ID (driver's license, state ID, or passport)
• Social Security card or number written down
• Birth certificate
• Any immigration documents (green card, visa, work permit)
• Health insurance cards and any prescription medications you take regularly
• Financial records: bank account numbers, recent statements, any joint accounts
• Phone charger and phone
• Cash (card transactions can be tracked)
• Children's documents if applicable: their birth certificates, school records, medical records, custody orders
• Lease or mortgage documents if your name is on them
• Any evidence of abuse: photos, texts, medical records, police reports

If you cannot safely gather documents, many can be replaced. The most important thing is your safety. Documents can be obtained later.

Digital Safety

Abusers often monitor their partners' phones, email, and location. Before leaving or reaching out for help, consider the following.

• Your phone may be monitored. If your phone is on a shared plan or the abuser has ever had physical access to it, assume they may be able to see your calls, texts, and location. Many apps, including built-in phone features, can share location without your knowledge.
• Check for tracking apps. On iPhone: go to Settings, then Privacy, then Location Services. Look for any apps you don't recognize. On Android, go to Settings, then Apps, and look for anything unfamiliar. The hotline can walk you through this.
• Use a different device if possible. If you have access to a library computer, a friend's phone, or another device the abuser does not know about, use it for sensitive searches and communications.
• Create new accounts. If you need a new email or phone number, create it on a device the abuser has never touched. Do not log into new accounts from a monitored device.
• Clear your browser history if you are using a shared device, or use a private/incognito window for searches related to leaving.
• Shared accounts: If you share an Apple ID, Google account, or phone plan, your location, photos, and messages may be visible. Leaving the shared plan is an important step once you are safe.

DV Shelters and Emergency Housing

Domestic violence shelters provide immediate, confidential housing for people leaving unsafe situations. Most shelters:

• Are confidential: their addresses are not public and the abuser cannot find out you are there
• Serve people of any gender, including men, non-binary people, and LGBTQ+ individuals (though capacity and policies vary)
• Provide meals, clothing, and toiletries in addition to housing
• Have staff who can help with legal aid, benefits applications, counseling, and next steps
• May have space for children

To find a shelter near you, call the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or call 211 and ask for domestic violence shelter specifically.

If shelters in your area are full, the hotline can connect you to other emergency housing options and help you make a safety plan for the short term.

Protective Orders

A protective order (sometimes called a restraining order) is a court order that can legally prohibit the abuser from contacting you, coming near your home or workplace, or possessing firearms. Violating a protective order is a criminal offense.

Key things to know:

• You do not need a lawyer to apply for a protective order, and the process is free in most states.
• Many courthouses have a domestic violence advocate or self-help center that can walk you through the paperwork.
• An emergency protective order (EPO) can often be issued the same day, without the abuser present, if you demonstrate immediate danger.
• A protective order does not guarantee your safety. It is a legal tool, not a physical barrier. Having a safety plan remains important even with an order in place.

For free legal help with protective orders and related issues, contact your local legal aid office. Find one at lawhelp.org.

Your Rights Under VAWA

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) provides several protections relevant to housing and immigration.

• Housing protections: If you live in federally subsidized housing and the abuser is the leaseholder, you may have the right to remain in or be transferred to other public housing. A landlord cannot evict you solely because you are a victim of domestic violence.
• Immigration protections: If your immigration status is connected to an abusive spouse or partner, VAWA allows you to self-petition for immigration status independently, without the abuser's cooperation. This applies to people of any gender.

A domestic violence advocate or immigration attorney can help you understand which protections apply to your situation. Free legal help is available through most DV shelters and legal aid organizations.

Building Stability After Leaving

The immediate exit is only the first step. Financial independence and stable housing often take time to establish, especially if the abuser controlled finances or you were not working.

• Benefits: If you have children or have low income, you may qualify for SNAP, Medicaid, TANF, or housing assistance. A shelter case manager can help you apply.
• Employment: Many DV organizations offer employment assistance, job training, and connections to transitional work programs.
• Banking: Open a new account in your name only, at a bank or credit union the abuser does not know about, and set up electronic statements only (no paper mail).
• Credit: Check your credit report at annualcreditreport.com for accounts you may not have authorized. If there is fraudulent debt in your name, you can dispute it and, in some cases, pursue legal remedies.
• Counseling: Many DV organizations offer free counseling and support groups for survivors. Processing what happened and getting support matters for long-term wellbeing.
• Address confidentiality programs: Many states have programs that provide a substitute address so your real location is not on public records. Search "[your state] address confidentiality program" to find out if your state participates.